The Santander Guide to Customer Service

1.  It is of paramount importance that when Mrs Customer walks in, you have someone on the front desk who is both vastly inexperienced and texting her mates under the desk.  This gives a good first impression.

2.  If Mrs Customer has some quite specific questions, the Vastly Inexperienced person should keep popping back to confer with a colleague, and then return to the desk to repeat the last sentence of what her colleague said.  Ensure that Mrs Customer can actually see the colleague, and overhear most of the conversation, but not talk to that colleague, because he is busy.

3.  Vastly Inexperienced person should ideally have no clue what she is repeating to you, and should receive further questions in the manner of a frightened stuffed toy.

4. At no point should it be suggested that Mrs Customer might make an appointment.  If in doubt, just say "come back tomorrow" or "go and talk to someone at the counter", even if they don't do international transfers at the counter.

5.  Only if Mrs Customer is looking like really digging her fucking heels in, make her an appointment for later in the afternoon.  But don't give in too easily or they will all want an appointment and you know where that will lead.


And that, friends, sums up just about every visit to my bank in the last couple of years for anything more complicated than straight dosh.  Oh Santander, how I will miss you.