A lot of people have a sense of their being fundamentally OK most of the time. Likeable, loveable, comfortable in the world, that sort of OK. This is either because they were well-loved from childhood or managed to patch a good repair job in adulthood. I would say I fall into the latter group. My sense of being OK is sort of like several layers of woodchip over some dodgy plaster. I've learned slowly that I'm liked, and loved, and my bones feel comfortable in this old and rather upholstered body, and the body feels comfortable out in the world.
Unfortunately for some there is a deeper sense of being fundamentally not OK. It's a very deep place where rather ugly messages run on a loop (If you're not a good girl I won't love you any more. If you don't stop crying I'll have you put in a home). Several years of therapy have not dissolved the ill-being created by this and more.
Last night I was at PUB QUIZ, which was becoming the highlight of my week. A woman was there who I hadn't seen before, though clearly she was a team regular. During the latter part of the evening I was getting enthusiastic, as one does, whenever we got a question right. I'm loud and excitable, and tend to throw myself at things. Clearly I banged the table once too often because the woman turned to me and hissed "That is really fucking irritating". The team member to her right murmured something which sounded like agreement. I sort of sunk a bit. When the drinks bill came, we settled it and then I told her that I was sorry if I was irritating her, that I was going home now, and that I thought she was very rude. And then in my jitters accidentally knocked over the remains of my drink on her phone.
When you know people a long time it's likely at some point you will be a dreadful twat in their company. However, over time it balances out and the love and friendship between you creates another bit of wallpaper over the dodgy plaster. When someone you met two hours ago tells you that your behaviour is fucking irritating, it is not good. Not in any way good. It's like they have really seen you.
So that was it. It's going to take a while to feel ok again, fundamentally.
My lovely lovely Jane - her comment really does say more about her than it does about you. You are lovely, kind and compassionate. Now go wee in her handbag xxx
ReplyDeleteOK. Now I really do get it. I can empathise. Unloved by my cruel mother. Years of insecurity resulting in bad choices, particularly where men are concerned. Severe depression resulting in hospital stays and ongoing therapy. Feeling unworthy, paranoid, etc etc. That's it in a nutshell but you will know of course that it's so much more than that. And when you are faced with arseholes such as the woman you mentioned, it makes you feel bloody awful doesn't it? People keep saying we should love ourselves, but it's not that easy is it?
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of support here Jane. We've never met of course but I feel like I know you. And if ever you want to offload by pm on FB, I'm a good listener.
Onwards and upwards Jane. You're doing much better than you think x
Not poo in it, Mrs M? Standards are slipping! :o) And thank you for those lovely comments.
ReplyDeleteAyak - got it in one. I don't think my mother was intentionally cruel, she just had no fucking idea how to be a mother. Complete disaster. So yes, loving onself when it wasn't there from the start takes a lifetime to learn. You really are a very kind person, Ayak. Thank you.
I'm so glad you knocked your drink over her phone, jumped up old cow. xxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteHope you are feeling a couple of degrees better today. You are marooned in a strange place with strange people, no wonder you sometimes feel shit or worse. The magic is that you can write so well about it. I think you are suffering for your art. If you didn't feel deeply you wouldn't be able to express yourself so well.
ReplyDeleteI suppose so. I'd give my writing arm for a normal head though, sometimes.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I am concerned there is something fundamentally wrong with someone who is as rude as that woman was on first aquaintance.
ReplyDeleteI think a wee AND a poo would be in order.
Should I have the good fortune to run into her again, I'll try a vom as well. You can never get that smell out.
ReplyDeleteAnd should you be able to rustle up some phlegm... ;-)
ReplyDeleteMy standards are in no way slipping thankyouverymuch; it's just that wee is much more *destructive*. Bwahahahahahaha. I'll squeeze some out of NextDoorPissycat. I can vouch that he truly stenches.
ReplyDeleteThere's a theme here Jane. People who have never met you know you so much better than this unpleasant creature....she was shallow, unthinking, horrible, rude, foul, etc etc. I hope you're in a good enough place today to believe "us" rather than this nasty piece of work. Janice.
ReplyDeleteI've met Jane, many times - she meets me from stations and holds my hand when I'm too scared to go out, she was at my hen night, we have drunk Wine together and scared half the city, she has been round my humble abode a few times. She is kind and lovely and funny. Fact.
ReplyDeleteFiver in the post, Mrs M :o)
ReplyDelete