Just to follow on from last night's melodramatic and slightly "I'm going out to eat worms" posting:
A lot of people have a sense of their being fundamentally OK most of the time. Likeable, loveable, comfortable in the world, that sort of OK. This is either because they were well-loved from childhood or managed to patch a good repair job in adulthood. I would say I fall into the latter group. My sense of being OK is sort of like several layers of woodchip over some dodgy plaster. I've learned slowly that I'm liked, and loved, and my bones feel comfortable in this old and rather upholstered body, and the body feels comfortable out in the world.
Unfortunately for some there is a deeper sense of being fundamentally not OK. It's a very deep place where rather ugly messages run on a loop (If you're not a good girl I won't love you any more. If you don't stop crying I'll have you put in a home). Several years of therapy have not dissolved the ill-being created by this and more.
Last night I was at PUB QUIZ, which was becoming the highlight of my week. A woman was there who I hadn't seen before, though clearly she was a team regular. During the latter part of the evening I was getting enthusiastic, as one does, whenever we got a question right. I'm loud and excitable, and tend to throw myself at things. Clearly I banged the table once too often because the woman turned to me and hissed "That is really fucking irritating". The team member to her right murmured something which sounded like agreement. I sort of sunk a bit. When the drinks bill came, we settled it and then I told her that I was sorry if I was irritating her, that I was going home now, and that I thought she was very rude. And then in my jitters accidentally knocked over the remains of my drink on her phone.
When you know people a long time it's likely at some point you will be a dreadful twat in their company. However, over time it balances out and the love and friendship between you creates another bit of wallpaper over the dodgy plaster. When someone you met two hours ago tells you that your behaviour is fucking irritating, it is not good. Not in any way good. It's like they have really seen you.
So that was it. It's going to take a while to feel ok again, fundamentally.