Sunday, 17 February 2013


Forgive the gap.  It probably looks to the untrained eye as if I'm off gadding.  (Gadding always makes me think of Gary Glitter now, so as a verb it is permanently tainted.)  Trust me, I am not gadding.

The sheer weight of things sits on me like a rather heedless elephant and, jest though I might, I think it may be time to get some medication.  When you live in the most beautiful place in the world but feel nothing, something is not right.  When you wake up feeling as if you are full of cement, something is not right.  Depression is at the door and sadly, unlike vampires, it doesn't wait to be invited in.   I cannot say exactly what makes this happen.  But an excellent book which I have started and will read a page at a time before falling asleep explains that extreme stress fucks with your limbic system and leads to depression.  (I wonder if limbic is related to limbo.)  The small comfort of this is knowing that essentially it is a physical condition.

If you suffer depression to any degree, and those of us who do can suffer it to any degree, you will have probably received a lot of sympathy in your time but also some rather unkind remarks to the effect that you are not really trying to fight it, or something like that.  If you had a broken leg, it is unlikely anyone would tell you you are just not trying to fight it.

Depression is a symptom of something inside broken; it is not just a person wimping out.  Christ, we fight every day against it.  Every day.  Just from time to time, there are too many bloody vampires all gatecrashing at once and it gets too much.

If I can get out from under the weight of things for five minutes, I will get in touch with the counsellor I saw last year. who can prescribe anti-vampire-elephant stuff.



  1. Well I think you already know I understand completely. It's so debilitating and there's bugger all you can do about it. We don't have counsellors here (well we probably do but they are Turkish which won't be any good for me) but if you have found a good one, then it's worth a try. And of course it's bloody ridiculous when people say you are not trying to fight it..just as many others say "pull yourself together"...don't you just hate it when they say that?

  2. Sounds like it's time Jane. I'm on escitalopram and it's good shit. Last time I went to renew my prescription the doctor I saw said "you can't stay on this for the rest of your life you know" (as I've been on it two and a half years now) so I wonder if he says that to his patients who take insulin or wolferin or anything else, cos to me it's just same and it fucks me right off. Some pharmaceutical garlic could be the very thing to keep those vampires at bay, I do hope so and I do hope you get whatever it is that you need soon and feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel again xxxxxxxxx

  3. You recognise it and can see what might just help and that's so important. You describe the feeling so absolutely and recognisably and even though you are in a beautiful place, that only helps when there are no vampires about. Don't let the elephant get comfy; as Pins and Needles says, get yourself some pharmaceutical garlic and keep writing. Very few people believe I suffer from depression from time to time as it is not severe, doesn't last too long and when it's not on me, I am full of live and extroverted - but I fear that one day it will come and not go away again. Luckily for me, St. John's Worts are garlicky enough to see me through. I'm not suggesting they work for everyone and assume you've tried them. Hope you get through this as quickly as possible. Hugs, Axxx

  4. Dear Jane, you are missed. I hope you are being kind to

  5. Kind to yourself, I meant to say...